Down with Diageo

More nuisance letter writing. Names changed.


On a recent night out I began reading the beer mats, oft times they contain pearls of wisdom beyond what you may expect. This night's nugget was that on average Guinness quality control technicians travel five million miles per year to maintain the quality of their pints. Given the piss water that we regularly get served in several pubs, maybe this is not enough.

Regardless, it raises interesting questions regarding Carbon off-setting. Having little else to do and still happy about that tenner that Miller gave me, I emailed Guinness.

"Dear Sir/Madam,

I am a fan of your fine product and indeed the fact that you have created and strengthened a uniquely Irish product. A product that is almost globally synonymous with Ireland and Irish culture.

I was therefore dismayed the other night when out for a quiet pint and reading the Guinness beer mat to see that Guinness technicians clock up a whopping five million miles annually.

There was no hint of carbon off-setting, no remorse for what is a very unPC action in the current climate (if you'll excuse the pun).

I would hope that there are plans in place to combat this, but that maybe they go beyond the scope of a beer mat. If so could you please explain them to me?

Kind regards,
A devoted fan,
Conan"

Response -
"Dear Mr Conan,

Thank you for your recent email regarding the mileage of our quality technicians.

Diageo Ireland employ a strict off setting policy. Offsetting is about trying to reduce the level of carbon in the atmosphere, thus making the travel 'carbon neutral'.

Diageo Ireland make regular payments to an offsetting company, who will, for example, plant trees and invest the payment in sustainable energy projects in non-EU nations.

We also provide a quality department for our trade customers over the telephone which reduces the number of calls our quality technicians are required to make.

The majority of the vehicles on the road associated with Diageo Ireland are sub-contracted companies and they too employ a strict off setting policy.

Diageo Ireland is committed to sustaining the environment.


Kind Regards,

Zillie2.0
Diageo Consumer Careline"

Rebuttal -
"Zillie2.0,

Thank you for taking the time to answer my query.

I wonder if I could impose on you even more to ask what off-setting companies you use? Also if I could ask, is it a contract agreement that sub-contractors subscribe to this environmental policy?

I know this may seem a lot of trouble, but I don't think I could enjoy a Guinness in good conscience knowing that my actions may indirectly contribute to global warming.

Thanks in advance,
Conan"

The sweet fuck off -
"Dear Mr Conan,

Thank you for your recent email.

Unfortunately I cannot provide any information regarding our contracts as they are confidential agreements.

We operate a no names policy in Diageo so I am unable to provide you with information regarding outside companies that we use.

I hope that you continue to enjoy our products.

Kind Regards,

Zillie2.0
Diageo Consumer Careline"

Right back at you, bitch -
"Zillie2.0,

I am afraid that I may no longer be able to enjoy your products. Sorry.

Conan"

You'd be wrong if you thought I cared, even a little.