A small death

So, I went to the cinema last night and to my horror saw a trailer for The Karate Kid - a fucking remake. From that first sentence the discerning reader will realise I'm not happy. I'll outline the situation first then explain why.

The Karate Kid is going to be a pretty much direct remake of the 1984 film that we all hold dear. It will star in place of Ralph Macchio - Jaden Smith. It will star in place of Pat Morita - Jackie Chan and in place of Elisabeth Shue - some Asian child. The premise of the story from what I've gleaned from the trailer and some light internet research is that Smith's character is uprooted from his home and moved to China so that his mother can find work. Once there he sees a girl and meets a bully. These things don't mix a fight ensues. Chan shows up and stops the fight. Chan offers to train Smith. Culture clash followed by rousing montage and ultimate victory.

So here's the problem(s) - Fuck Will Smith. I don't appreciate being force fed his dreams for his son. Jaden Smith seems to be only capable of getting work in his daddy's pictures so no surprise that Smith Snr is producing this.

Fuck Harold Zwart, the director who comes to meddle in my childhood with credentials such as Agent Cody Banks and The Pink Panther 2 under his belt. This man is a mercenary, he does not care the shit he churns out and the damage he will do to my memories.

Other well documented issues include - China is the home of Kung Fu not Karate, Japan is the home of Karate. The title is inaccurate and may be only for Western audiences but the rot has already set in. Pat Morita would never have claimed to teach Kung Fu, may he rest in peace. Chan is A-Ok with this.

Jaden Smith will celebrate his 12th birthday on July 8th. Any sort of romantic plot is somehow muted by this. Consequently his bullying peers can only be the same age or slightly older, not that impressive for Chan to break up that fight. I'm pretty sure I could do that. Johnny Lawrence was badass, not a 12 year old. Jaden Smith also seems to bring some hip hop style sass to the role, I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing.

Some Asian 12 year old is not as hot as Elisabeth Shue.

Jackie Chan cannot be serious, Pat Morita brought the necessary gravitas to the role. Morita got a best supporting actor Oscar nomination for his role, back when that meant something. Chan is a clown, a lovable clown but still a clown not suitable for an iconic role like this.

All of these issues have been far better documented on far angrier blogs all across the internet, I just thought I'd recap them a little.

I have a far deeper dread. There are things that form a part of your childhood and adolescence. I never cared about Transformers, I was only peripherally aware of it as a child, so when Michael Bay pissed all over it I didn't care. I looked on amused. When knowing irony seeped into all of the remakes from Transformers to the Hulk movie where Lou Ferrigno got a small cameo, to the Star Trek Movie where it might well have been Bourne in space I didn't care I stood by and let it happen. The trailer after the Karate Kid was for the new A-Team movie and I think that might even be a good idea but stay the fuck away from the Karate Kid.

These things never mattered to me. As a 20 something with an angry blog and hobbies including martial arts and lifting weights you can guess what matters to me. I empathised with the original and being made in 1984 it was just hitting its tv movie slot when it mattered to me. These things that mould you should never be left to the evil and inept the Smiths and the Zwarts, what good can come of it?

My understanding of right and wrong is tenuous at best. It is based around the films of my childhood, those things that in an uncommon clarity explained what was expected of great men, men I could only hope to emulate not some sassy hip hop brat.

The Original

or
The new steaming pile of shit


You decide.