I can always rely on myself to let me down

Maybe it follows the natural progression of things, maybe it doesn't. At some point you may wish to introduce your girlfriend to your parents.

This caused me to fret. I think it's usual or at least not unusual to worry about people meeting your parents. They say crazy things that I've long since stopped thinking are funny. They tell stories with at best a loose adherence to the truth featuring you as the main character. Unique to me maybe, they shout at your friends?

Then there's home. I can find my way around in the dark, I know where the light switches are and I don't walk into walls or doors. On the downside I also see every little flaw.

A day spent scrubbing the place and an hour spent gently explaining to my family that maybe they should just smile and nod.... and I was ready as I was going to be. It looked cleaner, but it still isn't clean. I'd spoken to them but fuck knows how that was going to go. A little ball of terror sat in my stomach.

Breath held. Everything was going swimmingly. The one complaint/concern/bump in the road was not their fault, it was Fred. Fred is a 500ml blue plastic water bottle, he is one third full of liquid and fungus or bacteria or both. Years ago, a Men's Health article said I could make a more effective sports drink by adding some salt to a mix of orange juice and water. I did just that, brought it to the gym and drank two thirds of it. I left it in my bag for a while and then there it was, the start of a fungus growth. Did I create this life?

Fred was left sitting on my shelf where the orange separated from the water. Floated to the top. Sank to the bottom. All the while supporting life. In my humble opinion it looks dead. Sitting at the bottom, devoid of nutrients and with no further activity but she hates Fred. She's a scientist and disagrees. She colourfully described him as "death in a bottle".

Anthropomorphising just a little, I've known Fred longer than many of my close friends. He's not much of a conversationalist but that's hardly enough of a reason to get rid of him. That didn't seem to be a reasonable explanation.