NARTH

In my proud history of bothering people I have been shot down on occasion and I respect those who do this more than the weak assed fucks who just apologise. I even respect it when they are the misguided, bigoted fucks from NARTH. Just cos you're wrong doesn't mean you can't sometimes score a win. What follows is my email to NARTH followed by their rather curt reply. Not even a signature.

For this email I adopted the character of Rodney J. McCoy. The "J" stands for Jamie.

Dear Sir,

I have read extensively your fine website and am grateful for the wealth of free information that you have provided for people in need of your help. I have however come up short in a search for an answer to my question.

This is a bit awkward to explain. I own three dogs, two sheepdogs and a rottweiler, all male. I was walking my land with a friend of mine when my rottweiler wandered over to one of the sheepdogs. ordinarily the sheepdog growls a reproach but on this day the dog looked high strung and squared up to the rottweiler. I was curious to see what would happen next and did not interfere, much to my shame, at this point the sheepdog mounted the rottweiler. I moved in instantly to put a stop to this and delivered such a sound thrashing that I hoped this was the end to it. I separated the dogs and tied them for the night.

The next day a friend brought by his pitbull terrier and I observed this dog and the rottweiler rough housing in the way they have done all along. I was content that the previous day's incident was behind us. When next I looked around the rottweiler had mounted the pitbull terrier.

I realise that this situation is outside your remit but I imagine that you have members who may have encountered the same problem. I'm worried that I might have dealt with this wrong and casued the second incident, did I? Have I corrupted my dog? Is there anyone who can help me recondition him? If I can't should I put him to sleep?

Yours Sincerely,

RJ McCoy

And the reply,
They're dogs, its completely normal, in fact it has more to do with dominance than it has to do with sexuality.

So next time your dog starts fucking another dog, don't worry he's not going to hell.

Dublin Bikes

I'm not going to bore you with facts and figures or try to prove my point. In the fine tradition of tabloid journalism I'll just say stuff and maybe fire off an email to Joe Duffy or something.

A while ago, Dublin City Bikes started operating. I predicted that most of them would end up in the Liffey at the hands of Dublin's finest. To prove me wrong this has allegedly gone on to be the most successful scheme of its sort in Europe. Fuck you Dublin City Bikes.

What concerns me is that with a rise in cyclists using these bikes, using them by and large without helmets there must be at least some rise in road traffic accidents involving these cyclists. It would be practically impossible for there not to be. This hasn't been publicly discussed. Hasn't even been mentioned. We have no idea how may new hospital admissions are down to these bikes. How many families are fatherless? How many people will never make it to the office....

The why of this is because everybody loves the idea of it. Like recycling which isn't powered by the beauty of clouds, which uses bleaches and energy and requires massive volumes of water or Hybrid cars which are purpose built to destroy the environment, as long as an idea is palatable enough we'll ignore any facts that may exist. I'm not saying they do, this isn't that type of blog.

On the other side of the coin, Head Shops and the Psychoactive Substances Act and all that shit was rushed through the legislative process without concern for these pesky facts or peoples' rights to ingest whatever the fuck they like (with certain provisos that should be accepted). It's not facism or anything like it. People just accept the nice pretty things like more bikes and would prefer to get rid of the junkie exercising his rights by being out of his bin at 2 in the afternoon and swaying gently on O'Connell St.



Fuck you Dublin Bikes.

The continuing adventures of Angel Jones

Everything is on a sliding scale, and despite my incessant moaning I'm probably on the good side of middle in most things. Those charming Trocaire ads really remind me that my job isn't that bad and I do enjoy eating. In terms of a love life it could be worse, bottom of the scale is Farah Swaleh Noor and somewhere near the top is Hugh Hefner. I'm neither and that's just fine. This all leads into me explaining that a while ago I decided that I'd give Internet dating a go.

To preempt speculation, this did not go as planned. Not to say it didn't go well, but certainly this is not what Match.com advertise. There was one date and that ended shortly after a sudden onset stomach bug and me getting sick on my shoes and trousers. I made my excuses and left. I suppose I should have explained the reason to the young lady but it wasn't going well in the first place.

My other adventure in the realm of Internet dating, and what this blog concerns is the following tale - it's lengthy but there are pictures.

So, I received the following email:

I have just gone through your profile and liked it. I would really love to get to know you better if that's okay with you of course. Life is too short for any one to just sit around with out making new friends and cherishing good ones where ever they maybe. Believe me if there is any one who should know this, its me i got into this site in search of a gold heart i never i can tell if it you,The beauty of someones inner heart is what really count in the real sense of a relationship ?I will surely uphold our relationship if you are sincere with me .

Well, I hope to hear back from u then we can get to know each other better. I am a woman that has principle and good qualities to offer to my friend,who so ever or my desired love I am loyal ,diligent ,loving and caring ,social ,trust worthy ,honest ,truthful,hard working , good and smart looking ,friendly ,kind , well mannered,well behaved,action oriented,goal oriented and in my leisure time i love jogging , dancing ,reading , traveling , internet ,swimming .

I will like to know more about you ,Your marital status, age,occupation and so on, my private address is jonesangel2009 //at//yahoo///dot////com/// or jonesangel2009 ///at //live//dot //com

I will be waiting for your reply.
Angel

Being the trusting sap that I am I responded and got a reply and then another, but then being trusting and reaching the conclusion that this person had a serious learning disability I stopped. Enter my accomplice, who for the sake of his anonymity I shall call Nick. Nick being less trusting and obviously having Internet interests outside of porn spotted this as a scam email. So we set up an email address for one Dennis "Denny" Crane and said hello. We received exactly the same reply as I got! Oh my wounded ego.


What follows is the conversation we entered into. Our aims in a broad sense were to waste the time of these presumably Nigerian scam artists and hopefully get them to send us something. Anything.

Hi,

I was really glad to hear from you. I'm glad you liked my profile.

I couldn't find your profile, have you found someone? I liked your email, it sounds like you have a good heart. You have seen my picture but now I'd like to see one of you if you don't mind. I'm not hung up on looks but I like to picture who I'm talking to.

Where are you from? I live in Ashfield in Meath. Are you close?

I'm single, I just haven't found the right person. I own my own company, it's not much but I'm building on it, I make farm equipment. I'm 31.

I hope I didn't wait too long to respond, I look forward to hearing from you.

Dennis (Denny)

Reply with pictures, I'd love to know who this girl is

Hello there,
How are you doing there today? hope all is well with you there. Thanks alot for your lovely message, you sound sweet to me, i think you are a nice man but i would love to know more about you if you don't mind. I want to know what makes you, i want to know what you are doing there for a living and much about your family and what you are looking for here as well.
Here is little about me, get back to me with some more information about you and with your picture as well, i want to see more of you and to know you better.
I'm Angelina by name but you can call me Angel, I am single since i had caught my Fiancee red handed in my room sleeping with my best friend..but i have erased there path from my heart we took to meet in life,i am 25 years old by age, I'm from Queensland Ipswich in Australia but im presently in Nigeria now to buy African arts for resale in Australia, that's what am in to for a living

I`m 5`7" 120 with a athletic build , mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honest, good listening, God Fearing, and a positive person.I am real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I enjoy chilling with my friends/family I like going to the movies , or watching movies in my room ,I am a family oriented person and There is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself..
what do u like in a lady ?,what do u do for fun and in your free time?,do u have kids ?,tell me about yourself ? Where are you from?
I care xoxoxoxo
Angel

Hello,

I am very well. I really enjoyed getting your email. I'm sorry it took so long to write back but I've been busy with work. Working for myself is tough, but I like it.

I live on my own except for some weekends when I mind my son, his name is Mason. Like you I have had bad experiences in the past. Despite that I still keep an open mind and that is why I emailed you back.

I was happy to hear that you liked family and believed in God. So many people lack these basic values. When you ask what I am looking for, that is it. I also liked your pictures.

Your job sounds very interesting, please tell me about it. What sort of African arts do you sell in Australia? Did you go to college for this job?

I don't get much free time but when I do I like to spend it with family and friends.

Write back soon,
Dennis
xxx

I think it might be love

Hi Dear,

Thank you so much for getting back in touch with me as it actually made my day!!!, you sound like all i want, you are my perfect match . I am really going to put a lot of effort into writing this letter to you in hopes it will provide you with a good understanding of who I am, what I am all about, and what has made me the person I am today.

The reason I am going to write a letter rather than just send a message is because I am serious about wanting to establish a quality friendship with you, and because of the fact I rarely contact anyone on here, so when I do you can be rest assured I am serious about my intentions.
Am looking for a man that will be able to listen to me, communicate his feelings to me ,make me laugh,hold and comfort me in need,stand by my side, respect me, passionate lover in every way, support me in every way, love me and only me, make me smile, protect me when needed, romantic time to time ,constantly reactive, and treat me right.... I know you will think what is a pretty lady like me doing on here ..

Yes the reason I came on to the internet to find the special person who deserves all the love and passion that makes up my heart and soul is because I do not have the time to meet others out in a public setting, and the fact I feel you can learn so much about someone through letters, as a person has to take there time and think about the words they want to express, so it allows you to gain a better understanding of someone than you would probably otherwise. As for your question I do Buy wood craft which are very attractive


The very reason I am interested in establishing a friendship with you is because I feel I have alot to offer you in the way of a friendship and I know I have alot to share with you that will be of interest to you and even some things that will surprise you if you can be mine alone. I am very much a woman of substance and I am very unique in todays society because I live my life through my spirituality and through the word of God and because I have such a strong understanding of what I feel my role in life is suppose to be. I am a woman of integrity and my word is my honor!.

I have very high standards for myself and my life is all about providing love, peace and happiness to others.For you to get a better understanding of me, picture a waterfall in your mind and instead of all the water overflowing it is all the love and passion I have in my heart to give to others who are deserving,as the love and passion has an endless flow coming out of my heart. Where others write many people and keep there messages short because they are all about how many they can write, I am the opposite and very selective in whom I choose to write and I like to give them my very best even if it is in a long letter such as this.

I know the type of person who I want to build a friendship with so I am willing to put the time and effort in my messages to show that to you. I care

Angel

We're delighted

Hi Sweetie,

Thank you so much for your letter. It's great that you took the time to write such a personal email. I'm glad you liked my email, I was very surprised by your reply. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, I've been very busy with work. I hope you don't see this as a sign that I'm not interested.

I've never met someone from Australia before, what's life like there? How long have you been living in Africa? What's it like there? Are there many other Australians with you or are you alone? I'd like to visit africa someday, but I hear it can be dangerous for foreigners.

Looking forward to hearing from you again,
Denny
xxx

So is she

How are you and work,hope all is well with you ?It's my very great pleasure to hear from you back,its really make my days with the lovely message you sent to me and i like the way you feel about me thank you my dear.I've been in several rapports where I was not fully appreciated.In fact,many times I felt I was taken advantage of and that hurts me so much.I'm the only child of my parent.
My Parents died in an auto accident while traveling to visit their parents in state some years ago.I must tell you my dear,I have sorrow in my mind when i see kids having fun with there parents.Well life must go on.
I have been into 4 serious long relationships and those are also my only serious partners I have ever had. 2 of my relationships ended because of my partners betrayal and infidelity (cheating) and the other 2 ended because the love was not there to grow they are all about my inheritance i told them and knew all am talking about.So i had to let them go on there way of life to cheat others on there properties. well Denny am the only one here in Nigeria okay and i did lodge in a hotel here And very soon i will be back home and i wish i can meet you in persos probably see what might happen between us
I would say that I'm not afraid to display my emotions. I'd like someone who is sensitive and caring.If I'm sad, I'd like for him to be able to comfort me and cheer me up. He doesn't has to do much,but just knowing that he's there solacing me is more than good enough.
Have you ever had someone not stand up for you? I was deeply hurt when someone I once knew wouldn't not stand up for me, even after he told me he loved me.I would never allow someone to hurt my boyfriend or my husband, and I would always stand up for him. One thing I will always do for my man is to protect him when needed.
Well,i cant wait to hear from you soonest.Hope you are thinking about me?
Hope to hear from you soonest.
I care ............
Angel

I like Collies and I veer dangerously close to giving the game away

Hi dear,

I'm so sorry that it takes me so long to email you back, I'm very busy with work and spending time with Mason. I just don't get a minute to myself.

I have had one really serious relationship, we were very much in love and we have a beautiful child but it all ended very badly. I still can't really understand where it all went wrong. I'm just very happy that I have Mason, of all the bad things that have happened to me he is a shining light. I know that you said you feel bad when you see kids having fun with their parents but could you see yourself caring for another person's child. Any woman that I become involved with has to love Mason.

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents but you just have to keep hoping that tomorrow is a brighter day. I can't believe that someone would betray you for an inheritance.

I feel like we're only talking about the big things and I'm not really getting to know you. What type of music do you like? Australian bands or is the music in Nigeria good? I really like Shakira. Do you like Shakira? What's your favourite song? What food do you like? You must like something strange with all the travelling you've done.

I would protect you. A collie is an Irish dog that is very loyal, I've been told I'm as loyal as a collie.

xxx
Denny

Luckily disaster strikes and they probably didn't know what a collie was

Honey,
Thank you for the mail and quick respond i know we don't get to see each other but i believe in all what u wrote to me since all this day .. i have faith in God ,that i see who am talking to one day by Gods grace that day was supposed to be today...but in destiny such is life and life goes on...i am ashamed to bring this up but i tried my best to get myself out of it but no luck ... Am having a problem here with my container of art works i bought here at port authority,....I went to the shipping agent i gave it to this morning...and i found out all my container has been seized by Nigeria customs at the (THE NIGERIA PORT AUTHORITY) . they want me to pay some tax for it .. and custom duty ... i don't have such money they requested for at the moment ... i don't want anything do happen to my container, because it worth large amount of money,and i believe by the time i get it export to the clients in Zurich i will get paid,i have used all my money to buy the art works i'm only left with the money to eat here in the hotel nothing more, baby i really need your assistance . i don't know if you can lend some money till i get home, i'll pay you back as soon as my clients get the container delivered to them,...I really want to settle this in time ,so that i will not miss my flight which has already been scheduled but now i will have to reschedule my flight and i can also change my flight to come and meet you so that we can both start a new life i want you to know that i'm not after your money all i need is a good man that will love and care for me a man to start a new relationship and new life with and i'm so happy since the day i met you i feel i have find my soulmate the man of my life... i am really ashamed to write this letter....because i didn't want to ask for anything from you concerning monetary terms...I want you to know that money is not love all i needed is your love...so help me do not loose faith and hope in me...and i can tell you, this is the bad day i never i had in my life .... i don't know how u feel when you read this....I swear on my parents grave not to let you down in anyway and i promise i will pay u back my dear as soon as my goods get to client for resale ! i don't know what you will say .I am just ashamed !!!!!!!
i hope to talk to you soon
Angelina Cares

We want to help, but we have problems

Angel,
I was very surprised by your message. I hope your problems aren't too bad. I though you had a nice inheritance, where did it all go? I would love to be able to help you, but I only have €20,000 in the bank. I don't know if that would be enough to help you out of your problem. If I did give it to you I would need it back very quickly as all of my money is invested in my company and I need to see it grow. How would I be able to help? What do you need from me? I hope I can trust you in this, but obviously I would like to hear more from you before we exchanged any money. The money is mine, but unfortunalty I have business partners who wouldn't let me give money to 'strangers'. Is there anyway we could show my brother that we are not strangers? If he doesn't co-sign the release then it would take at least two months to release the money from my account. When is your flight scheduled? I hope you haven't missed it already.

Please get back to me as soon as possible.

Love,

Denny.

P.s, you are a very beautiful girl. Do you have any more pictures of yourself that I can add to my dreams?

It becomes clear

Honey All my inheritance as been turn to money i mean i sold everything and i have used all the money on my business and now am not happy with the situation happening to my Goods which is bothering me a lot Honey...And the amount i was asked to pay is 5,000pounds and i dont have that for now
Honey Help me out
I LOVE YOU
Thanxx for your reply xoxoxoxo

We are not bright, and she loves us in spite of that

Is it £5000 English pounds? We don't use English money in Ireland, we use euro. How can I send you the money? I'm trying to speak to my brother about it. He is sceptical about our relationship. I showed him the photos of you, he thinks you are very beautiful too. Is there a time limit on the customs charges? Is two months too long?

Thank you for the new photo, I love seeing as much of you as possible.

Love
Denny

Jibberish?

Honey I realy apprecaite your brother view about me that am beautiful my regards to him (THANKS BROTHER).I'm eager to see you My Denny.And tell him not to be skeptical about our relationship I swear i will return the money and tell him to please help me out Okay Honey
Honey the amount is in English pounds okay you can do the exchange to euro as i don't really how much it will be in euro,And why don't you western union money transfer all what you will need is my name and the address to send it to
I was alert this morning that the money must be paid this week which makes me now to be afraid that anything might happen to my goods if i don't get to pay it
Am sad about this news Honey
I really need to pay it in time
How was your day like?,I was thinking of you all day ? What did you do today ?and are you okay? what did you ate as dinner ?
I love and care for you so much Honey
Trust me I love you with all my heart you have showed me caring and honesty and that all what i need from a man
I will never leave you
You own my heart
Muah Kiss to you
Love you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dilemma

I'm having a lot of trouble convincing Frasier. I'm so embarrased. I'll e-mail you tonight or tomorrow, as soon as we can come to an arrangement. I'm so sorry. I hope I haven't let you down.

Love,

Denny

Enter Frasier Crane, smarter brother of Denny

Hi Angelina,

You don't know me but I'm Frasier, your boyfriend's brother. I got your email address from his account. He is trying to convince me to send you £5000. I'm
not a doctor but I think Denny is a bit simple. Why would a beautiful woman like you be interested in my simple brother? I've met Australian girls like you before and I think you'll just take his money and break his simple heart. Please don't tell him I sent you this email.

Obviously I can't just let him send you the money because I've never met you. However, we might be able to reach a business agreement. I don't know if you know but there has recently been an increase in the number of Nigerian farmers living and working in Ireland. Myself and Denny have a small business selling farm equipment and we have a marketing budget of €10,000 that we need to spend before June. We are interested in marketing our products to Nigerian businessmen. Have you ever seen any traditional Nigerian artwork or woodcuttings of tractors or farm machinery? If we had something like that to give as gifts to customers I think we could make a lot of sales.

As I said please don't tell Denny about this email.

Yours faithfully,

Fraiser.

Quick to assuage our fears

Well Frasier you are embarassing me please and please am not like anybody am alone on my own okay I do love Him with all my heart God Knows I do
OK
tHANKS

At least she doesn't tell Denny about Frasier but this mail disturbs me

Good Nite My love there is so much I want to tell you, a lot has been running through my head lately. I'm having trouble putting my thoughts into words so you will have to bare with me through this.And i did wait till this time may be you will email me back

I keep thinking about the future, about life, and what I want out of it. I keep thinking about us and what this relationship means to me. I keep thinking about these things and I realize they go hand in hand. This relationship is my future; it's what I want out of life. I want to grow old with you. I want to experience this crazy love forever and ever, and I really think I'm going to get to. I want us to walk through new houses picking the one that would be just right for us. I want to see you walk around our house in a big t-shirt with . I want you to pull the covers off me at night and then I have to get even closer, if it's possible, to you to keep warm. I want to see you laugh like crazy at me when I do stupid stuff. I want to rub lotion all over your body because you laid out in the sun too long. I want to have a child with you and go through the experiences of parenthood with you. I want to see you and me chasing our little kid around the house, all three of us laughing our heads off and having fun. I want to hold you when you cry and smile with you when you smile. I want to fall asleep every night with you in my arms. I want you to fall asleep on my chest listening to the beat of my heart and know it beats for you I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep. I want to see your bad morning hair; I think it will be so cute. I want to sit on the beach with you and watch the sun set, and I want all the people who pass us to envy the love that we obviously have for each other.

I want to see you walk down that isle and I want to take your hand for the rest of my life. I want to spend all night, and maybe the next day, making love to you with an undying passion . I want to cook a meal with you and us totally ruin it and end up doing take out. I want to sit there talking to you for hours about nothing at all but in the same time everything or maybe we won't talk at all and just grin at each other realizing how lucky we are. I want you to get mad at me for doing something stupid, and I want you to bust out laughing when you try to yell at me. I want to lay with you in front of a fireplace and keep the heat going long after the fire goes out. I want to take trips with you to places we've never been and experience them together. I want us to go skinny-dipping in a hotel pool and get caught and streak back to our hotel room waking everyone up because we're laughing so hard. I want us to go and pick out the hot tub we want with the biggest grins on our faces the whole time. I want the sales rep to get embarrassed when we sit in them and make sure we have enough room to do the things we want to do. I want to hold your hand and let you scream at me while you bring our child into this world. I want our friends to come over and get totally jealous because they don't share a love like we do. I want to be walking into a store with you and trip and fall on my face and turn around to see you rolling on the ground laughing at me. I want us to run outside in the rain and act like total kids getting completely soaked, and when we come back in stripping down to nothing as we stumble into the bedroom, or the kitchen counter, or the balcony, or the dining room table, or an office desk, or the shower, which ever one we feel like at the time.

I want it to take your breath away every time I say,I love you because you know it's coming from the heart. I want us to be sitting there and watching our child take their first steps from my arms into yours. I want us to sit down with a box of strawberries, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and a thing of mint chocolate ice cream; well, I'll let your imagination finish that one. I want to love you and be with you for at least forever if not a little longer. I couldn't really express in words what I'm feeling right now so I decided to share with you some of the images and thoughts that have been running through my head.

I just want you to know that I had never found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with until I met you. I really am crazy about you, everything about you
This is the Address you will need to send the money below to via western union there my love and make sure you send it via western union and after you send the money you will be given a receipt,On the receipt there is a number called the MTCN number which is 10 digits that's is the number i will need to get the money here Honey

Name...Angelina Jones
Country ..Nigeria
City...Abeokuta
State..Ogun
Zip Code ..23439
question... what is my name
Answer .... Angel
xxxxxxx
Love you always

Impatient

Honey what happened,I thought you will have emailed me by now...whats happening to you Honey Okay?I miss you so much..And what have you been up to?
Love you
Angel

We have a plan to help

Angel,

I know I miss you so much. I'm really embarrassed by all this, I spoke to Frasier and explained that I needed to send you the money immediately but he says that it's for the business and unless I'm spending it on the business then he won't sign the withdrawal slip at the bank! We had a big fight, I haven't spoken to him since. He says you're too beautiful to love me. I showed him your emails and tried to tell him that you really do love me but he just laughed at me.

I showed him your picture too, I'm so ashamed of myself. I thought that since we need models for our company and that since you are so beautiful that we could help each other. He agrees, if you could take pictures of yourself beside farm machinery or sitting on old tractors we could pay you a modelling fee. That'd make it for the business. Frasier wouldn't be able to say no then. I'm so ashamed to have to come and ask you this. Please write back.

All my love,
Denny

So close to losing it

Denny My love i think i will say am sorry for all the embarrassment okay ..I think you should not bother to help me again as your brother didnt trust me..I dont know what to do now ..am down ..all what i have my hope is going now that means i will start a new life i did invest all my money on this business Honey
What can I do since your brother didnt allow you to help me and he didn't trust me either
I love you Denny
And I will always do
Love you

But greed is a powerful aphrodisiac

Honey am sorry to say this what did he mean by (take pictures of yourself beside farm machinery or sitting on old tractors we could pay you a modelling fee) did he thinks am a model or what
well Honey i hate this okay

Honey is there not a way you can help me by yourself

This is probably my favourite reply

Hi Angel,

I'm so sorry about Frasier's antics. He just won't release the money. If you can possiblely wait for two months then I could get the money for you without his permission. Two months isn't two long is it? Could you write a letter to the Nigerian Customs explaining the situation? I would be happy to be a witness for you. I hope I'm not dissappointing you. I'm so looking forward to the day we can finally meet. Your pictures keep me warm at night. Is there anything else I can do? I don't want to lose you so soon.

About the pictures. Yes, he thought you were so beautiful that you could be a model. We are building our website at the moment and we want to take some pictures of a beautiful girl with tractors and farm machinery. (I have included one picture in my email. We don't know this girl, I found the image on the web so we can't use it on our site. But that is the type of pictures we are talking about. Obviously there would be no nudity, we are honest God fearing people.) Unfortunatly here in Ireland most of the girls are not very beautiful. At least, they are not as beautiful as you or as the girl in the picture. We have only one model at the moment, but she is typical Irish with red hair and unnatractive pale skin. I have also included a picture of her for you to see. As you can see you are much more beautiful than her. We pay her €5000 per shoot, but for you it would be €10,000. Of course if you are not interested in modelling I'm sorry to insult you, but you are very beautiful.

What will you do if you can't get your goods back from customs? How long will they hold them for? After that what will happen? Will they be destroyed? Would it be possible to send the goods to me Ireland instead? I hope you will still be able to come to Ireland after this, no matter how it all works out.

Always thinking of you,

Denny.

Not to be

Honey Well I really appreciate your thinking and all what you have done to help me out.. If you want me to come there with goods why not but for me to wait here till two months you will have to help me with hotel bills and i will tell the Nigerian port authority to give more two months for the goods and I hope you will be able to help me on the hotel bills for the two months okay which i will ask the hotel manger how much it will cost me to stay here for two months okay but i gues it should not be more that 1000pounds and above okay
I will like you to mail me back asap

Love you Denny

Obstacles to love, eh?

Angle,

I think this could work out great for both of us. If you're alone in a strange country waiting in a hotel for two months I could come to Nigeria and spend the time with you. Would that be okay with you? I would love to spend some time with you in Africa! I can't believe this oppertuinity. What city are you living in? Are you staying in a nice hotel? If I came to Africa I would like us to stay in the a very nice hotel together. Could you find us a double room in a nice hotel in your city? Would two beds be better for you until we got to know each other better. If you could book us into a hotel and send me the online reciept then I will be able to pay you back when I arrive. Because of Frasier, I can only pay you back in cash at the moment. Is it a nice city? What is the nearest airport. I've just looked at a map, Nigeria is a very big country!

I hope you are as excited by this idea as I am,

Love you,

Denny.

Ps, maybe we can take some photos together ;) :)

More obstacles

Honey I cant book it online as the payment here will expire by next week and I will need you to help me to pay the money so we could stay here together..Honey the hotel is nice and am in Gateway Hotel Abeokuta Ogun state Nigeria Honey.. the hotel manager said i will need to pay in cash... Honey we will share a room together okay but i did ask him for the two months he said its 1,988 English pounds Honey
So will u send it so i will be able to pay before Monday Honey?
Love you Denny
Angel

We're worried. The link is bogey but our concern is not.

Hi Honey,

It's nice to talk to you live! I've been looking for the Gateway hotel website okay honey, but I can't seem to find a website. Are you sure you got the name of the hotel right? There is one picture of a gateway hotel online, but it looks like a school, or maybe it is closed down okay? Also I did a seach for the hotel and I found a result that an English man was killed there. http://allafrica.com/stories/201042050571.html. Are you sure it's a safe place for you? I think it's very strange that the hotel only takes cash okay. Are you sure that the manager isn't trying to trick you out of the cash honey? Do you have a Hilton or other big international hotel company there? I think that would be better for both of us.

You forgot to answer my other questions honey. I'm trying to find a cheap flight to Nigeria for myself okay, but I need to know where is the nearest airport. Can you meet me at the airport. Is it safe there? Do people usually carry guns? Should I buy one?

I found a really cheap flight to Lagos international airport. Could you meet me there?

Please reply asap

My sole forever,

Denny

She must be terrified

Honey the hotel is okay but when are you coming i must pay the hotel bill before you
are here or do you want me to be sent out of the hotel room before you are here ?
Lagos is the nearest airport okay which i can come and meet you there and i will like to know when will you send the money for the hotel okay
I dont want my things to be sent out okay
And the hotel manager is not trying to get moey out from me okay
when will you send it Honey ?
Love you
Denny
Angel

Just to fuck with them

I know it's crazy right now but I just wanted to say Happy Valentine's day.

Love you Angel
Denny

In my imagination I see a group of confused scammers sitting around a computer swearing

Honey Please dont let the hotel manager send me out I need to pay the hotel bill this week
Will you send the money this week
Happy Valentine to you too I wish am with you

We have a solution though, romantics that we are

Angel my love,

I have a very big surprise for you. I think you will be very happy. I'll tell you soon.

Yours forever,

Denny

Poor confused scammers

Whats that Honey
Tell me
I miss you
How was your day like?
Love you

Our solution, complete with fake online receipt

I'm coming to see you! Can you believe it! I'm so excited, I can't wait. How excited are you? Of course I will also book us a fantastic hotel. Can you still pick me up in Lagos? I don't mind if you can't because it's such a surprise! I'll be bringing cash with me so I can pay for everything when I arrive. I can't wait.

Mail me back asap,

Love you,
Denny

Booking Confirmation
Booking Reference: 23TFG5
Your Journey This is a ticketless flight.
You will be sent an Itinerary and Receipt email confirming your flight details and fare information.

This Itinerary and Receipt email will constitute your "passenger ticket".

You are required to present the following at check-in:

* Passengers travelling to or from the United States must present your email at check-in.
* For passengers travelling to all other destinations, your booking reference and a valid form of ID will be sufficient.
* Travel within Ireland: photo identification for each adult travelling
* International travel: valid passport and visa (where required)
* Irish and UK citizens do not require a passport for travel between Ireland and the UK but must bring photo identification.
* For all passengers with Reduced Mobility, Additional Needs or Special Requests please refer to our Special Assistance information.


Thank you for booking with KLM
Choose your seat onboard now
Flight Details
Flight Info. Departing Arriving Fare
AER LINGUS KL3512

Lagos
06:00 20 Feb 2010 Amsterdam
08:40 20 Feb 2010 LowFare
KLM KL0587
non-stop Amsterdam
11:50 20 Feb 2010
18:40 20 Feb 2010 LowFare
Passenger Details
Passenger Name Outbound Return
Checked Bag Extra Weight Checked Bag Extra Weight
Angelina Jones
1 0kg 1 0kg
Fare Information Prices are shown in Euro
Passengers Fare p.p. Taxes & Charges Cost p.p. Total
1 Adult 892.64
included
79.85
892.64
Handling Fee 10.00 10.00
Pre-Paid Bag Fee 30.00
TOTAL EUR 932.64
Delivery Information
Email Address: jonesangel2009@live.com

* Conditions of Carriage
* Terms of Use
* Privacy Policy
* Acceptable Usage Policy

�2001-2009 KLM Limited

Happy but still there are problems

Am Happy Honey but I will be set out of the hotel tommoroew
No where to go

A solution but don't forget your passport

Hi Honey,

I have solved all our problems okay. Since you're being sent out of your hotel I booked us into a hotel in Lagos okay. We can stay for two weeks and then go back to sort out your problem with customs. You can check in without me tomorrow and I'll arrive at the weekend. All you need is this email printed out and your PASSPORT. Don't forget it okay :) . I never asked you before, but are you a smoker, I got us a non smoking room honey, I hope thats okay.

I think I've done a lot for you today, can you do something for me honey? Do you have a webcam? Could you record me a video massage to warm the cockles of my heart until I see you. It would really keep my heart moist until we finally met. If you can't do that I would love to see some more pictures. Sexy ones if possible. I'm so excited about seeing you.

So far this has cost me a lot of money, obviously I'm not telling Frasier exactly what is happening, but I should be able to have the cash with me when I finally see you. Do you have any pictures of your art? I would love to see what we are spending our money on honey.
Booking confirmation
Thank you for your booking
Booking.com booking number 154.188.252
Pincode 1985
This booking is confirmed on Monday, February 15, 2010
Your name Dennis Crane
Your email denniscrane1979@hotmail.com

You will need valid passports confirming identification to check in. This confirmation is all you need! It contains all details of your booking.

An additional copy of your hotel confirmation has also been sent to denniscrane1979@hotmail.com. If you do not receive this additional copy, it may have been blocked by your spam filter. Please check your spam folder.
Your booking
Hotel Information
Hotel Victoria Island Crown Plaza Hotel
Address 292b Ajose Adeogun Street
Victoria Island
Lagos
Nigeria
Phone 234(0)12719800
Fax
234(0)12719810
E-mail booking@vcphotel.com
Travel information For directions please visit our website
Your reservation details
Arrival Tuesday, February 16, 2010, check-in after 14:00
Departure Tuesday, March 1, 2010, check-out before 12:00
Quantity 1 room
2 persons
Total costs $1700.00
Room 1 - Executive Twin Room (Advance Purchase) - Non Refundable
Room description
These rooms have Egyptian linen, bathrobes and free internet access. There is a Sony music system with MP3 connection, and in-room dining.
Guest name
Dennis Crane
Angelina Jones

for 2 persons (non-smoking preference)
Breakfast:

* Breakfast costs $10.00 per person.
* Dinner costs $30.00 per person.

Taxes:

* 17.5 % VAT is included.
* Service charge is not applicable.
* City/tourist tax is not applicable.

Cancellation cost:

* $100

This reservation can not be canceled free of charge.
Total costs of this room

$ 1700.00
How to cancel or change your booking

These are general hotel policies. As they may vary per room type; please also check the room description.
Deposit

* The total price of the reservation will be charged on the day of booking and is non-refundable.

Cancellation policy

* Please note, if cancelled or modified, the total price of the reservation will be charged.

Children and extra bed policy

* All children under 12 years stay free of charge when using existing bedding.
* There is no capacity for extra beds in the room.
* Maximum capacity of babycots in a room is 1.

Guest parking

* Private parking is possible at a location nearby and costs $ 17.00 per day.
* Private parking is possible on site (reservation is needed) and costs $ 17.00 per day.

Internet

* Wireless internet is available in the entire hotel and is free of charge.

Pets

* Pets are not allowed.

Credit Card / Guarantee / Payment information
Payment
You have now confirmed and guaranteed your booking by credit card. This is for guarantee purposes only.
All payment is to be made during your stay at the hotel.
The hotel reserves the right to pre-authorise credit cards prior to arrival.
This hotel accepts the following forms of payment:
American Express, Visa, Euro/Mastercard, Diners Club, JCB
Customer Service
Wishing you a pleasant stay!
Booking.com online hotel reservations
E-mail: customer.service@booking.com
Phone In-country: 1 850 930484 (English)
Phone International: +44 20 3320 2600

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At this stage we've lost it. Gone forever is our love but I make one last ditch effort to get them to collect us at the airport.

Hi Honey,

I rang the hotel but they said that you hadn't checked in. Are you okay?

Have you found somewhere else to stay?

I've been so busy getting ready to go to Nigeria that I haven't had time to email you. I'm sorry.

I thought you might not have a computer at the hotel so I bought you a laptop, it's pink I hope you like it.

Can you collect me at the airport? My flight gets in at 18:40. Then we can go get your things from customs, I'll have the money with me.

Please let me know that you're collecting me. I'm hope you're not angry.


My love always and forever,
Denny

There are several spelling mistakes in our emails, this is entirely intentional. My favourite being "sole" instead of "soul". Ultimately this reads as a failure but I think everyone should have a Nigerian scam artist penpal.

I suppose the real message here is that love is fleeting and as much as we hope that we can remove the terms and conditions of our lives from the contract of our continued love we can't. Maybe geography, our careers and our ability to pay for things count too much.

I haven't posted in a while

I haven't posted anything in a while. I hope this explains why, at least partially. I was distracted and I've always been lazy. For anyone who regularly checks my blog my heartfelt apologies. What follows is a letter to Vodafone. Submitted via a query form thing. A confirmation email has been received but I've been delayed over long and I'm eager.

Dear Sir/Madam,


Let me first introduce myself, my name is Conan, Champion of the People or if you would prefer the introduction given as one number among many my number is 0871234567.

I've had that number since I've had a phone. Details of which I am sure you can check more accurately but I think that has been nearly a decade. My first phone was a Nokia 3210 an iconic phone. My first phone was bought from Eircell which you as a company later purchased and in that transition I stood by you. I've been with you since then. I've been loyal. Phones have come and gone but we have prevailed. Or at least had.

Recently I met a young lady. Charming, beautiful, funny – all of those things that one looks for in a lady. As things sometimes do, things went well. This young lady is on the O2 network. Drawn to her as I was I changed network. I kept my number, that seems selfish of me but I did. I moved to O2 and signed an 18month contract. This was a purely financial decision. I know sometimes people say it's nothing personal, but I can assure you in this case it wasn't. I was decided only by lust and avarice.

As things sometimes do, things went awry. The lady, no less charming, beautiful or funny is gone. I am left with a contract and a sense that disloyalty no matter at whom it is directed never goes unpunished.

I'm not writing to you looking for anything. Just to say that I left vodafone through no fault of yours. I wasn't, as a customer, impressed by the operation red promotion. Ultimately that had no impact on my costs or as I gather the costs of others, it could be seen by more cynical men than I to be an empty gesture more about the bluster and marketing than helping customers but as I am no longer a customer and unable to return to Vodafone, you can ignore my criticisms and accept my apology.

I do hope that this soothes any unease you had over my departure. Once again I'd like to say I'm sorry and in future will think more highly of my longstanding relationships and not rush off for transient new one.

Regards,

Conan

Any reply from Vodafone will be posted.

Reply from Vodafone

Faceless and unloving as it is, maybe this is all I deserve?

Dear Mr Conan

Thank you for contacting us with your query.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. When you are porting
back to the Vodafone network you can process this in a Vodafone store
or online at our website.

If you have any further queries, please call us on CallSave 1850 20
87 87 between 08:00hrs to 22:00hrs and we will be happy to assist you.

Yours sincerely

Vodafone Customer Care Team

A sad commentary

Below is a recent letter to Budweiser. I don't think I'm alone in this line of thought. What upsets me is that this poor girl in consumer care is obliged to be polite. It's like a tame version of when the enemy in a bad science fiction movie declares that a humans capacity for love is their weakness. In the real world though the evil alien overlord is right. The plucky hero armed only with love is fucked. Rambling intro aside, here's the letter

Dear Sir/Madam,

Before I get to the meat of the issue may I first criticise you on the difficulty of finding a contact email address that the Irish consumer may use. I realise that I could go straight to the source on this question but I'm of a provincial nature and find it more concerting to talk to the Irish division. That and I am led to believe that many beverages have regional variations depending on the plant producing them, so it seems that any query would best be addressed to the regional office. In this regard, I was unable to find a contact email address anywhere on www.diageo.ie.

The origin of my query is simple. I do not like the taste of your beer. More to the point I find it lacks taste or body.

I have read all about the beechwood aging, the large proportion of rice in addition to hops and barley malt and how it is filtered. I have heard all about its smooth taste. I've seen and been impressed by the horses. Horses are strong, powerful and bespeak tradition and old world high standards. I've seen the beers placed in movies and in these movies these beers were consumed by stars that I would wish to emulate. I've seen all this and because of all this I time and again come back to your beer. Just to make sure it hasn't gotten any better, because even if it gets a little better I would definitely start drinking it. In public anyway.

With the arrival of Bud Light and the "the difference is drinkability" slogan, I was hopeful. Bud Light even sponsored a few UFC's and what more manly thing is there than fighting in no holds barred combat. Even when Brock Lesnar said he didn't like Bud Light I was more impressed, because I don't like Brock Lesnar. So I was tempted by Bud Light, after all you were claiming it was drinkable. Modest a claim as that is, it failed to live up to it. Instead this just tastes like watered down Budweiser.

I haven't travelled much in my life so I can't be sure that it's not just the Irish take on Budweiser that is wrong, but surely someone else would have noticed?

My question then is this, are there any plans to make Budweiser taste any better? If you need my assistance in taste testing any improvements I would be glad to assist, please do not hesitate to contact me. I want to help you make the beer I know you can make.

Kind Regards,
Conan
Champion of the People

The response

Dear Mr. Conan,

Thank you for your recent email in regards to Budweiser.

I am very sorry to hear that you do not enjoy the taste of Budweiser or Bud Light. It is our aim to please all consumers, so I will pass all of your feedback on to our Budweiser Brand team.

I would very much like to thank you for sending us in your comments as all consumer feedback is extremely important to us.

Kind regards,

Grondar
DIAGEO Consumer Careline

More nuisancery, this time with a definite win marked in the great ledger. Letter to Miller, sent while drinking moderately Dear Sir/Madam, At the end of a very long day I have put my feet up and left my woes behind and all with your help. The stresses and strains have been washed away by the cleansing liquid that is beer. In particular, your fine product - Miller. This is not my first time partaking of your fine beverage, nor is it the first time that I have enjoyed it. Far from it, the stories I could tell if only time would allow. It is the first time that I have had a trying day and when easing my worries thought of the good people of the customer services team. I assume that you receive a lot of negative feedback and I would like to, on the record state, that I think you are doing a fine job. I do hope that you will pass on my regards to all concerned with putting forth such a strong effort. For the record I would also like to state that I do not have an alcohol addiction or substance abuse problem I am just an ordinary man at the end of a long day. a very long day. Thank you for your help in this. Regards, Conan After sometime elapsed, I followed up my mail Dear Sir/Madam, While my commitment to your fine product has never wavered, I must question your customer service. I imagine that many of the communications that you receive on a daily basis are negative, in an attempt to commend you I emailed my sincere thanks, an email that has gone unacknowledged. Once again let me congratulate and thank you for your fine product, in particular I enjoy your screw top bottles - they are an excellent innovation. Regards, Conan The response from one very nice, Pinto Dear Sir - If you send us your address, we will send on a little something for your trouble. Thank you for your custom, apologies, that your first email was missed. Warm regards, Pinto I duly responded with my address and await my surprise. The more I think about it, the more I think it could be a vicious beating, courtesy of the good people at Beamish and Crawford. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. This was in fact a €10 voucher to be used against the purchase of Miller. Unlike the CIE voucher I used this one almost immediately.

Down with Diageo

More nuisance letter writing. Names changed.


On a recent night out I began reading the beer mats, oft times they contain pearls of wisdom beyond what you may expect. This night's nugget was that on average Guinness quality control technicians travel five million miles per year to maintain the quality of their pints. Given the piss water that we regularly get served in several pubs, maybe this is not enough.

Regardless, it raises interesting questions regarding Carbon off-setting. Having little else to do and still happy about that tenner that Miller gave me, I emailed Guinness.

"Dear Sir/Madam,

I am a fan of your fine product and indeed the fact that you have created and strengthened a uniquely Irish product. A product that is almost globally synonymous with Ireland and Irish culture.

I was therefore dismayed the other night when out for a quiet pint and reading the Guinness beer mat to see that Guinness technicians clock up a whopping five million miles annually.

There was no hint of carbon off-setting, no remorse for what is a very unPC action in the current climate (if you'll excuse the pun).

I would hope that there are plans in place to combat this, but that maybe they go beyond the scope of a beer mat. If so could you please explain them to me?

Kind regards,
A devoted fan,
Conan"

Response -
"Dear Mr Conan,

Thank you for your recent email regarding the mileage of our quality technicians.

Diageo Ireland employ a strict off setting policy. Offsetting is about trying to reduce the level of carbon in the atmosphere, thus making the travel 'carbon neutral'.

Diageo Ireland make regular payments to an offsetting company, who will, for example, plant trees and invest the payment in sustainable energy projects in non-EU nations.

We also provide a quality department for our trade customers over the telephone which reduces the number of calls our quality technicians are required to make.

The majority of the vehicles on the road associated with Diageo Ireland are sub-contracted companies and they too employ a strict off setting policy.

Diageo Ireland is committed to sustaining the environment.


Kind Regards,

Zillie2.0
Diageo Consumer Careline"

Rebuttal -
"Zillie2.0,

Thank you for taking the time to answer my query.

I wonder if I could impose on you even more to ask what off-setting companies you use? Also if I could ask, is it a contract agreement that sub-contractors subscribe to this environmental policy?

I know this may seem a lot of trouble, but I don't think I could enjoy a Guinness in good conscience knowing that my actions may indirectly contribute to global warming.

Thanks in advance,
Conan"

The sweet fuck off -
"Dear Mr Conan,

Thank you for your recent email.

Unfortunately I cannot provide any information regarding our contracts as they are confidential agreements.

We operate a no names policy in Diageo so I am unable to provide you with information regarding outside companies that we use.

I hope that you continue to enjoy our products.

Kind Regards,

Zillie2.0
Diageo Consumer Careline"

Right back at you, bitch -
"Zillie2.0,

I am afraid that I may no longer be able to enjoy your products. Sorry.

Conan"

You'd be wrong if you thought I cared, even a little.

A war with public transport

Many of my letters make it sound as if I had something better to be doing than standing around. I did not have anything better to do. I now get paid for standing around and with a glint in my eye sometimes hark back to when I did it in an amateur capacity. This was also the first letter which resulted in me getting anything. I haven't spent the voucher but that's hardly the point. The guy who wrote the response was probably on about €15 an hour and I wasted 15mins of his day on top that.




So here it is, one morning my train was late. Very late. The funniest part of the morning was when they announced that the next train would be direct to Heuston, then a completely empty train sailed past. This left the entire crowd, 150 strong I estimate, swearing.

My letter:

Customer Relations Department,
Southern and Western,
Heuston Station,
Dublin 8





Conan,
Champion of the people
Land of Make Believe

23 Oct. 06

Ref. Late Train 02 Oct 06



Dear Sir/Madam,

Please find attached my train ticket and claim form for delay dated 02/10/06. My "claim" is for €1.95 but this is secondary to the point. I was left waiting for a train for 2 hours.

On the morning of 02/10/06, I arrived at the train station to find that my train was running late, the announcement over the pa informed myself and fellow commuters that the train would be delayed by approximately thirty minutes This figure gradually increased over the ensuing two hours until eventually an over packed train arrived and sped into Heuston Station.

My grievances, aside from the obvious delay which seriously impacted my plans for the day, are as follows:

1. The incessant apologising of the P.A. system. This sounds terribly ingenuous especially after the second or third time that it lies to you about the expected delay, I, along with others, came to doubt the veracity of Iarnrod Eireann's remorse. I believe that Iarnrod Eireann may not want to lose customers, have its reputation tarnished or indeed spend money and time on a broken train but after two hours I am certain that they are not sorry, and have given the matter little thought since.


2. The paltry token apology to those left standing at the train station. The train station in Celbridge is somewhat removed from the town, and the feeder bus service the least funny joke told in many an age, this means that if you commit to getting the train and the train does not come; you cannot easily opt for an alternative conveyance to the city centre. This is truly inconvenient when the train is over two hours late. In apology for this, we were given the chance to recover our ticket price, in my case €1.95. This does not take into account the two hours of work that I missed or other inconveniences that are not so easily quantifiable such as missing breakfast, having to move meetings around my schedule etc. And for all this, I am given a half-hearted apology and the chance to get €1.95 back at the cost of a postage stamp - net return €1.47.

3. Aside from this is the seeming lack of a contingency plan, I can accept that trains break down, and being the national rail service I can assume that Iarnrod Eireann can appreciate this far more intimately than I could ever hope to. However despite this supposed insight into the inevitability of train failure, no obvious contingency plan seems to be in place. Maybe I am wrong, maybe this two hour delay was the result of a masterfully executed contingency plan brought off with military precision and a certain understated panache that the poor souls left waiting can never appreciate. Please enlighten me.

4. That this is not the first time a train has been delayed, it is however the most pronounced. As a regular commuter, I get the early morning train every day and it is late at least once every fortnight. Late in this instance is considered to be more than 15mins, anything less than this the commuter is expected to take on the chin. For shame.

5. That the train upon its eventual arrival sped at an alarming rate to Heuston. I do not object to moving fast. I must assume though that the train does not usually move at this speed due to some safety concerns. As the rail traffic in the opposite direction was still moving I can only be convinced that the danger was only marginally reduced. Was our safety put at risk in an attempt to save face? Or are we routinely subjected to meandering train journeys?


I feel I may be in the minority in actually reclaiming my ticket price, and in even smaller a minority in voicing my upset at this latest travesty. However I take solace in knowing that I am representative of a much larger opinion base.


It is this opinion base that will be called upon to eventually decide on the opening of the market for public transport, and it cannot be expected that the public will support a provider that so consistently lets its customers down.

I hope to hear from you soon.


Yours Faithfully,

Conan


The reply (there was one middle letter referred to earlier, telling me a reply was coming, but it lends nothing tot he story):

Dear Mr. Conan,

Thank you for your regarding in connection with your journey on the morning of Monday 2nd October 2006. Please accept my apologies for the sever delays to services which were due to the failure of the 06:30 Carlow to Heuston service between Newbridge and Sallins.

With the failed train blocking the line and all services behind it, it took some time to safely get the next train attached to the failed train and push-it into Sallins, where a fresh locomotive could be attached to allow the Carlow train to proceed on its way and for all other services to make their way Heuston.

We are looking at how we can improve our contingency planning and communication plans to deal with these exceptional circumstances in order to limit the extent of delays resulting from such mechanical failures.

In relation to your comment about the speed of the trains in operation on the morning of Monday 2nd of October 2006, please be assured that at all times Iarnrod Eireann adheres to all speed and safety guidelines as directed by the Department of Transport.

Under our customer charter, passengers delayed over two hours are entitled to a full refund on the affected journey. Under the Customer Charter the refund due on your ticket is €1.95, however as a gesture of goodwill I have enclosed travel vouchers to the value of €5.00. Travel vouchers can be used as discount for future travel at any Booking Office throughout the Iarnrod Eireann network.

Again, I would like to apologise for the delay you experienced and for any inconvenience caused.

Yours Sincerely,

Lidar
Customer Relations Department Southern and Western


Boo Yah motherfucker!

Another win for The People.

A less entertaining conversation with 98FM

Still sitting in an office scrambling to look busy. This was a far less fulfilling experience than my conversation with Dublin Bus. Again the names have been changed. I supposed if anyone really cared I could furnish them with the names. The lies and fiction mentioned are those lies told to the customer service drone, not to you. To you I am unrelentingly truthful.

Much of this is lies and fiction (fiction is a lie that doesn't hurt anyone, and may even make you rich)

Again written in work.


Dear Sir/madam,

My name is Conan, Champion of the People, I am writing to you in connection with the "98fm
fugitive" promotion.

Before I address my complaint allow me to explain, briefly, my beliefs regarding censorship. Put simply I do not believe in censorship. I do believe that we should, as a society protect the innocence of children and encourage their growth at a healthy rate. It is in this sense that I agree with the watershed and possible curtailing of certain adverts in child focused media. I do not see myself as being overly strict on this, but some standards must apply.

Beyond the above proviso I believe that anyone should be free to represent any opinion on the public airwaves, assuming that the legal system is empowered to prosecute those who would broadcast falsehoods or unjustified attacks on character. With these checks and balances in place I believe a free media can exist alongside a government in control of its people.

I apologise for the digression above, I felt though that you should know my feelings on the media so that my complaint may be in context. I am writing in relation to the " fugitive" promotion. My issue with this is that I have been accosted while minding my own business on several occasions, ten in fact over three different days. On the first day I was unaware of what the enquiries were about. Having since listened to one of your evening shows, I believe I understand. I accept that you should be allowed run an adult treasure hunt. However your inane presenter with his trusty female sidekick urges members of the public to ask as many people as possible if they are
the "98fm fugitive". This I believe crosses a line, the broadcast I listened to was pointless, unfunny and of a base sense of humour but to each his own. This show and subsequent advertisements urge the pestering of bystanders.

It would seem that if you are alone in a bookshop, or even making a phone call that people feel justified in accosting me and demanding of me in clipped English "you-de-98fum-fugive" . This has happened on several occasions and not once has the individuals involved excused themselves
or indeed conducted themselves with any social grace.I am not alone in being pestered by these latter day treasure seekers and I am convinced that I am not alone in being irritated by it. I realise that one complaint about your listeners behaviour may not stop you encouraging them to brutalize every passerby, but the onus rests on you to respect the privacy of others who may not wish to play your game. As I said above I do not believe in censorship, the strongest I would exercise is to change station on the radio, but you will not allow me escape.

I realise that little will come of this, you will not stop the competition and probably the encouragements will become more frenzied as the promotion draws to an end (an end that I hope is soon). I may yet lodge this complaint with the BCI but initially I hope that you will exercise more care in devising future promotions, mindful of the ways they affect others.


Yours Sincerely,

Conan,
Champion of the People


A pretty grovelling response, I would have put me in my place. Zaldar wouldn't have taken that crap.

Hi Conan,

Thank you for contacting 98FM. I am sorry that you feel this way about this promotion. It has brought much entertainment to many Dubliners. You will be happy to know that the promotion finished on Friday gone therefore you should not hear much about it in the future.

Again I am sorry that you were put out by this promotion.

Kind Regards

Zillie
Marketing Manager
98FM

Conversations with Dublin Bus

This was written back in the heady days of having an office job where nobody knew what I was supposed to be doing or if whatever I was supposed to be getting done was getting done. Names have been removed or edited to make it read better and to some degree protect my anonymity.



Dear Sir,

I am a frequent traveller on Dublin bus and Iarnrod Eireann and after a considerable number of trips I have a few questions that I would greatly appreciate your help with.

These questions have come about after a conversation borne of noticing that the hammer for use in emergencies on the bottom deck of my bus this morning was in fact missing. This was shortly followed by the realisation that on many of your buses these hammers have gone missing, either by theft or misadventure.

My first question is then: Is the hammer required by law and if so why are they not replaced?

This line of conversation led to the breaking of glass. I am curious to know what type of glass is used in Dublin bus buses? In particular, is it shatter resistant? If so can such a small hammer (when present) actually break through in the event of an emergency? If the glass is not shatter
resistant, then surely this poses a greater threat to passenger safety, in the form of blinding and cutting than the statistically unlikely event of an overturned bus. I would of course appreciate as detailed an answer as possible so if you need to refer this email to someone more closely
connected with health&safety or construction I will understand.

As minds are frequently wont to do, this conversation continued along a morbid path of terrible scenarios. Chief among these was what would necessitate escape through the back window, we concluded (perhaps incorrectly, and if you have any more reasonable explanations please advise)
that it would occur in an overturn situation. In regards to this I am curious to know what is the maximum angle that a bus can achieve before overturn. For instance if a bus were to hit a pavement or a small embankment and be raised off the ground on one side, what is the maximum angle before it would topple? Is this angle the same on each side of a bus, or is the weight spread unevenly?

I notice of course that there are several types of bus on the road, from the older (seemingly more rickety) bus to modern versions with ramp access for wheelchairs, extra rack space for buses to and from Heuston station, several variations on the theme of central doors and many different types of safety railing. If you could apply the above questions to each bus type I would be very much obliged.

In the vein of accidents and so on, I must ask about the fuel tank. Firstly are buses run on diesel or petrol? Secondly how many litres does each bus type carry on average? Third, where in the bus is the fuel tank located?

I do hope this is not too much trouble and I realise I may have to wait some time for you to collate this information.

Yours sincerely,

Conan

Champion of the people


The response, took the wind out of my sails

Conan,

Hammers are a requirement on some buses and are there for assistance on others. Hammers are regularly taken from buses and are constantly being replaced. The hammer is very effective at breaking the glass in an emergency.

The type of glass used in the windows of our buses is toughened safety glass. As required by regulation this does not break into large pieces or shards which would be likely to cause serious injury.

The rear window escape would generally be used in the event of a bus overturning or where both sides of the bus were blocked off in an accident.

A double deck vehicle must tilt to a minimum angle of 28 degrees before toppling. Obviously the maximum is dependent on a number of items which affect the height of the centre of gravity e.g. loading etc. Therefore it is only possible to specify the minimum angle.

Our vehicles run on diesel and a typical double deck carries between 250 and 350 litres. Fuel tanks are generally located on the off-side (drivers side)


Zaldar

Administration Officer

Public Affairs Department

Ph 7033160


Feel free to call or contact this guy with any queries you may have about Dublin bus.