Recklessly Small

Words have power and a resonance not easily captured in a dictionary. How often do you see a definition explain that using a certain word over another will make you sound wankery? Words can be used to hide things too. Hidden in plain sight by words that paint you as a victim or martyr while ignoring your complicity in your downfall. If you're one of these people, that let words do your lying for you, then fuck you. This is all prompted by a young man who told me he was set upon and received a kicking from two other young men. That they chased, caught and threw the boots in. This young man described it as an assault. Others have used the word assault and have just been straight up lying cunts. They started a fight, lost and explain the little blue and purple badges of dishonour away as having been assaulted. This young man's lie is more pernicious, it ignores his complicity. It paints a picture of a man who through no fault of his own got beaten up. You see, this man is 10 stone in weight. For the metrically minded that's 63.5kg. His assailants were about the same. And no, I'm not talking about a dwarf. This young man is 5'8" or 1.72m That's 2 inches shorter than me and nigh on 5 stone lighter. His complicity is in being recklessly small. Take a theft as another example. If you are simple minded enough to leave your phone unattended on a table in a busy bar, if it gets taken then it's not so much a theft as a tax on the stupid. If you drink and drive and crash, while people passing on the bus on their way to work may think human tragedy that is not the full story. You are at fault, at least partially, for going out there unprepared knowingly putting yourself in the path of harm without the skills or abilities to deal with the the forseeable future. Fuck you and the work you've caused the emergency services. The small, the frail, the unprepared need to take some responsibility. While crimes shouldn't happen, they do and it is upon us to be prepared. Insurance companies set higher premiums in houses with poor locks and no alarms. They pay less if you weren't wearing a seat belt. If you left your keys in the car and it's gone come morning - you're screwed. If taking some responsibility means putting on some shoulders over a back and holding them up with some legs of note then do it. If it means being sober and keeping an eye on your phone do. I don't want to have to pretend to give a shit about you if you're to blame. Conan The Caring Sort

NARTH

In my proud history of bothering people I have been shot down on occasion and I respect those who do this more than the weak assed fucks who just apologise. I even respect it when they are the misguided, bigoted fucks from NARTH. Just cos you're wrong doesn't mean you can't sometimes score a win. What follows is my email to NARTH followed by their rather curt reply. Not even a signature.

For this email I adopted the character of Rodney J. McCoy. The "J" stands for Jamie.

Dear Sir,

I have read extensively your fine website and am grateful for the wealth of free information that you have provided for people in need of your help. I have however come up short in a search for an answer to my question.

This is a bit awkward to explain. I own three dogs, two sheepdogs and a rottweiler, all male. I was walking my land with a friend of mine when my rottweiler wandered over to one of the sheepdogs. ordinarily the sheepdog growls a reproach but on this day the dog looked high strung and squared up to the rottweiler. I was curious to see what would happen next and did not interfere, much to my shame, at this point the sheepdog mounted the rottweiler. I moved in instantly to put a stop to this and delivered such a sound thrashing that I hoped this was the end to it. I separated the dogs and tied them for the night.

The next day a friend brought by his pitbull terrier and I observed this dog and the rottweiler rough housing in the way they have done all along. I was content that the previous day's incident was behind us. When next I looked around the rottweiler had mounted the pitbull terrier.

I realise that this situation is outside your remit but I imagine that you have members who may have encountered the same problem. I'm worried that I might have dealt with this wrong and casued the second incident, did I? Have I corrupted my dog? Is there anyone who can help me recondition him? If I can't should I put him to sleep?

Yours Sincerely,

RJ McCoy

And the reply,
They're dogs, its completely normal, in fact it has more to do with dominance than it has to do with sexuality.

So next time your dog starts fucking another dog, don't worry he's not going to hell.

Work related ennui

We don't have any natural predators. Nothing wants to kill us. Disease doesn't stalk the land. The biggest worries that people have at the moment are the price of oil, mortgage repayments and the looming spectre of unemployment. Not that these aren't valid, I'm just pointing out that compared to the concerns of someone in a war torn African country they are less important to the health of the organism - Us.

I deal with people at their very worst. You don't meet me on your good days when nothing has gone wrong. I don't see you when you've managed something clever that you will regale your friends with. I see you at your worst. Hair messed up. Dried blood. Wallet or handbag missing and for some reason containing the documents you need to travel tomorrow. I regret that at times because it leads me to the possibly false belief that people are stupid. That our collective good might be served by thinning out the numbers and the introduction of a few natural predators.

The result of this is that I feel the person who took the bag that was left unattended in the bar for upwards of 45 minutes is not stealing, merely levying a tax on the foolish. The careless need to be taught a lesson. In the absence of real peril then we need these people, these tax collectors.

I feel differently about the person who knocks over an old lady or ties her up in her house as they ransack it. I don't know where the line is but I regard them differently. This line between criminal and somewhat irregular public servant.

I hate people who get "assaulted" even more. The number of people who just get assaulted is very low. In my experience it seems to be when a roving gang of youths encounter someone different and weak. If you're different you can't be weak, some of the blame has to fall on you if you are. For the most part then getting into fights and assaulted is a culmination of poor selection of location, your sobriety, your group of friends, the very real chance that you're an ass and deserve it and several other factors all of which you have the chance to change. What I'm getting at is don't come running to me, I have no sympathy for you.

Tandem Felix

Ever hear that old joke? Waiter is called to a hotel room to deliver yet another bottle of champagne. He walks in and surveys the scene. Sprawled on the bed along with several beautiful naked women is George Best. The waiter ponders for a second and asks, "George, where did it all go wrong?". In the extended version of that story I imagine a drunk and enraged George Best struck the waiter violently and returned to the orgy.

That was then and this is now. George Best's career fluttered and died and so did he. Conversely Charlie Sheen achieved early on the dizzying heights that most can only dream of and is now reaping the rewards. He's been in era defining movies and in terms of awards is only shy the Oscar which truth be told he'd probably have to speak in an impeded English accent to get. He's one of the highest paid TV actors around. The dude has done it all.

People condemning his behaviour, his drugs, his parties, his porn stars, etc are all just jealous. Let the man reap his rewards.

Capri Anderson
Bree Olson
Bombshell McGee
Ginger Lynn
Heather Hunter

This is not an exhaustive list of women in the porn industry who have been romantically (traditional notions of romance are here challenged) linked to Charlie Sheen, to say nothing of the many, many hangers on and less famous but equally eager friends. If the Internet is to be believed then some of these women came in pairs or even trios.

There are many things that would heighten my enjoyment of a sexual situation, better technique, improved flexibility, a clearer understanding of what's going on but above all of this would have to rank better looking partners who bring their friends. I'd like that.

As for the drugs, I bet Charlie gets that special coke that's smuggled in boxes and not up some guy's ass. Movie star grade cocaine. He's got an clinic of doctors and a team of problem solvers to pick up the pieces after him. He is the poster boy of people who should be allowed do drugs.

One of the wealthy who could fit in so easily if only he conformed. He's a man with a purpose standing against an oppressive regime, defying convention and sleeping with some ladies along the way. I don't want to say that he's this generation's Oskar Schindler but he's damn close.

He's a flawed hero but a hero I can get behind. A man unafraid to sacrifice himself on the altar of celebrity and to live and publicise the life I can only dream of. God bless you Charlie Sheen.

Sometimes I prefer to just be left alone

I can't find a suitable analogy to get this across. I see people protesting and I just don't believe in it. I do like the slogans and the occasionally catchy chants. Especially the ones where there are too many or too few syllables and the chant just races through it obliviously.

I suppose some people have reached the same conclusion and instead of going home and quietly masturbating or something, they decide to take it a step further. This is where hunger strikers come from. A realization that slogans and chants alone will not change the world and the belief, the false belief, that anyone gives a fuck if they live or die.

Protesters as a group are a boring lot. Probably not when they're at home and with friends but definitely when they're protesting. They're so on message, all the time. Just talk, talk, talk about the cause. The fact that they are protesting at all should inform them that up to this nobody cared.

The hunger strikers want to make them care. They want people to care about the boring cause because they, a white person who may well live nearby and almost certainly supports the same football team as some people are skipping a few meals. Fuck hunger strikers. It's petulant.

Like a child, they'll stop this very slow exercise in self harm if only you give in to their demands. A very adult tantrum. Before this goes any further I'll point out I don't care for nationalists at all, but that's not the point.

Assuming 100% commitment, which I never do, this should be seen as on a par with setting yourself on fire. It's not. Those guys get taken in for mental examination and kept in a secure facility. Just 'cos they've got more balls and commitment than a pussy hunger striker. It all goes to show that the authorities don't really believe in them either. We think they're full of shit. Figuratively, not literally because they haven't eaten in a while.

What are the rules for hunger striking? You're allowed water. Any essential salts? What about a coke? It's not eating... fuck that, there's no pissing about when you set yourself on fire, or stand in front of a tank. I've had stomach bugs that lasted longer than some hunger strikes.

Dublin Bikes

I'm not going to bore you with facts and figures or try to prove my point. In the fine tradition of tabloid journalism I'll just say stuff and maybe fire off an email to Joe Duffy or something.

A while ago, Dublin City Bikes started operating. I predicted that most of them would end up in the Liffey at the hands of Dublin's finest. To prove me wrong this has allegedly gone on to be the most successful scheme of its sort in Europe. Fuck you Dublin City Bikes.

What concerns me is that with a rise in cyclists using these bikes, using them by and large without helmets there must be at least some rise in road traffic accidents involving these cyclists. It would be practically impossible for there not to be. This hasn't been publicly discussed. Hasn't even been mentioned. We have no idea how may new hospital admissions are down to these bikes. How many families are fatherless? How many people will never make it to the office....

The why of this is because everybody loves the idea of it. Like recycling which isn't powered by the beauty of clouds, which uses bleaches and energy and requires massive volumes of water or Hybrid cars which are purpose built to destroy the environment, as long as an idea is palatable enough we'll ignore any facts that may exist. I'm not saying they do, this isn't that type of blog.

On the other side of the coin, Head Shops and the Psychoactive Substances Act and all that shit was rushed through the legislative process without concern for these pesky facts or peoples' rights to ingest whatever the fuck they like (with certain provisos that should be accepted). It's not facism or anything like it. People just accept the nice pretty things like more bikes and would prefer to get rid of the junkie exercising his rights by being out of his bin at 2 in the afternoon and swaying gently on O'Connell St.



Fuck you Dublin Bikes.

Vinny the Racist

Vinny is a racist. Not a nice racist like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino or Ed Norton (eventually) in American History X, Vinny is a despicable old man who is a racist.

I first met Vinny the Racist one day in work. I was strolling around and being bored I said hi and thought to exchange pleasantries, the way one does. Vinny the Racist instantly seized on the opportunity to explain to me the problems with and caused by the Blacks. At length.

I was a little flustered. I went in prepared for mild introductory pleasantries and got this. Not that I have a weak constitution for such things. When someone is screaming this drunk on a street corner I'm prepared but by contrast it's brought up in our first polite conversation.... I worry. I worry that like two people who fall in love at first sight he has seen the totality of my existence in that one glance and thought to himself that here is a kindred spirit. Another man filled with hate. Race Hate, cos Vinny the Racist is a racist.

Vinny is a short old man, still working so I assume under 65. He's a little fat which is staving off the wrinkles somewhat. He has brilliant white hair (white as a newly flowing Klan robe) which only serves to highlight how red his face gets when he talks about foreigners and how they are like a cancerous blight on Ireland. I believe he suggested putting them on a boat with a small hole in it. So that it would sink slowly. Presumably to allow them to fully realise what absolute bastards they are for being foreign. Bright, bright red (red as the robe of the Red Hooded Klansman - Kleagle?). I worry sometimes that Vinny the Racist will have a stroke if he gets too worked up over all of those foreign bastards robbing from the state. Keeping you and me out of a job (despite talking to me while we were both in work).

Vinny the Racist works in a job (not the same as my job) that requires him to talk to tourists, Vinny the Racist hates tourists, because they are foreign and too stupid to speak English. So he ignores them or gives them false directions. Presumably in the hopes that they will become lost and get set upon and die slowly knowing that he, Vinny the Racist, was responsible.

I cheered up considerably when I heard that Vinny the Racist was just as horribly racist around everyone else. So far from seeing in me a fire that mirrored his own, he's just a delusional racist. He 's old and those of us who have been well brought up don't hassle the elderly. Vinny the Racist through this loophole of manners has arrived at the point where he thinks the world shares his racist beliefs. That we are on the crest of a wave, about to break across his sacred and racially pure island home and wash it clean. Vinny the Racist is deluded.

I got speaking to Vinny the Racist's colleagues today. I don't know if any of them agree with Vinny the Racist (I doubt it), but at the very least they had the social common sense to decry Vinny the Racist. They told me all the tales. Like the day Vinny the Racist couldn't have tea because the two coffee shops he could go to in work both had a foreign girl on the till. He hates foreigners enough to give up tea.

One of his colleagues (a man of advancing years) is married to a young Asian woman (I asked no questions and heard no lies), they have two young children. These children are the apple of this man's eye. Vinny the Racist to his face, in conversation, with witnesses, referred to the children as “halfbreeds”. I'm not sure of the exact hierarchy of racist slurs but I suppose it ranks above abomination and below half caste? Maybe Vinny the Racist can explain.

There were explanations put forth as to why Vinny the Racist is a racist. One was that he was banned from a pub he once frequented after he offered one of the Polish barmaids money in return for sexual favours, but this was countered with the argument that Vinny the Racist has always been a racist. This seemed to be an isolated incident where he attempted to connect with someone, a thing he fails to do because HE IS A HUGE FUCKING RACIST.

Then, while not connected directly to his racism, there was the story of him being spotted being forcefully ejected from a lapdancing club on Dublin's Capel st. Vinny the Racist is obviously a racist who can't keep his hands to himself.

The plan is for one of the new guys to approach Vinny the Racist. The new guy will pretend not to know that Vinny the Racist is a racist. He will explain the following:
- that he is seeing a woman of colour;
- that she has several children already and yet another of his on the way;
- that she is not working because the dole, the children's allowance and all the other benefits the taxpayer covers is keeping her in fine style;
- that he will not move in with her, because if he does she will lose her free flat provided by the taxpayer;
- that the free flat is just up the road from Vinny the Racist.

The hope is that Vinny the Racist's big red angry face will finally explode.

It should be noted that Vinny the Racist's name has not been changed to protect his identity.

Some stories should be told

So, I've mentioned that the idea of the new Karate Kid movie upsets me. In the same breath I also mentioned that I loved the original. Yesterday I watched all three in a row. Then fell asleep contemplating the lessons it had taught me.

A remake is unnecessary, as unnecessary as rewriting the bible. If anything the idea of a new kid facing challenges while dealing with a new romance in his life was adequately rehashed in Never Back Down. A much better idea than the Smith boy and Jackie Chan ruining a film I hold dear.

That seems rigid, like I don't want the studios to have a revenue stream but you're ignoring the other opportunities. This came to me last night as I pondered the words of Miyagi – a prequel.

We're given enough of a hint of Miyagi's life for us to know it was glorious and terrible all at once, from the wife he lost to his medal of valour. The matter of honour that forced him to leave his village, I'd like to see the young Sato. That movie would rock. Teacher seen in the role of student as his father imparts his knowledge of the Miyagi family Karate to him and he learns the life lessons he'll eventually teach a young Daniel. There's a new Miyagi trilogy there already.

If we got Matt Damon on board and wanted to do something on American foreign policy and the horror of war I'd watch a movie about a young Kreese and Silver in Vietnam. It'd have to have an 18's cert though, that story has some very adult themes.

Now everytime Hollywood tries to do a prequel we end up with all the main characters' paths crossing long before they should have met and the original story being damaged by it. I hate coincidental meetings years before that everyone seems to have missed or some shared ancestry bullshit (Fuck Caprica). This seems almost impossible though, if we set it before World War 2 (which Spielberg is going to make sexy again) then neither Kreese or Daniel are born. Short of some idiot writing in Kreese's father as a racist sergeant in the movie we're golden.

So now that I have had this idea, who do I write to? The internet campaign starts here, someone set up a Facebook page or whatever it is you do nowadays instead of being useful.

Reflections

Some musings back in the way back then. In essence a system looking for proof beyond reasonable doubt can't begin with god. Concessions are in fact made for those who care enough.

With an exam looming first thing tomorrow morning, one for which I have done fuck all work it seems the most sensible thing in the world to have a beer, watch some poker on TV and write a blog. None of these things will appear on the exam. Well possibly licensing laws, and at a stretch gaming, but the nuts and bolts of these aren't being covered. I'm looking at the end product.

What I'm musing over now is the fact that I've spent hours studying. I've spent hours being exact. We are encouraged to be perfect. Yet, there is a decidedly christian ethos to the Garda Siochana. The oath you take in court swears to almighty god, the oath you take looking for a warrant swears to almighty god. On ash wednesday, people walked around with dirty smudges on their foreheads.

It just seems strange to me that a police force, a group of people concerned only with what can and can't be proved have a very definite religious leaning.

It's not really the fault of the police force, it's not a conscious decision, though the reluctance to allow in the Sikh does smack a bit when you see people wandering around with the aforementioned smudges but lets not judge.

Surely, one day soon this will occur to somebody in a position somewhat higher than mine and they'll put in motion the wheels of change. We could have a secular police force. Wouldn't that be nice?

Given my stated religious views, I can't help but feel that I might as well take an oath to the toothfairy.

All capitalisation was intentional

I do not advocate speeding but....

I get the feeling that when the hammer eventually falls they will present this in evidence and fail to see the humour in it. Fuck it. I speed regularly and have a carefully crafted reputation of being punctual.

Road traffic is a real hot topic for some people. They love it, they like the detail they, they like the challenge and as much as people give out about headline crime road traffic legislation and its enforcement is a more pressing issue than gangland crime. We all drive whereas only the select few drive-by, so to speak. Road traffic laws matter to us all. I am, for the record, completely against drink driving. I believe in a zero tolerance policy. The accidents caused are horrific and wasteful, young lives snuffed out for no reason. I believe the legislation could be clearer and that some penalties are either wrongly enforced or not actually enforced. The preference for the breath sample over blood when someone is brought to the Garda Station leaves a certain margin for drug driving and the idea of enforcing any tiredness legislation is staggering. Anyway we rise to the challenges that present themselves and the process of contesting the laws and practices cement our laws, while any increase in fatalities from new cause will necessitate new laws and provisions. It's how the legislative body reacts and evolves into what we hope will be a more perfect fit for the society that we live in. An almost organic process. While my position on drink driving is clear, my position on speeding is rather less clear. Maybe it's not so bad. Now at this point you're wondering why. Well I reckon that speeding saves the economy money. In a trip from Lurgan to Dublin, we managed to shave an impressive 15 minutes off the journey time predicted by the sat nav thingy. You scoff at 15 mins, but even at minimum wage I could earn a couple of euro in 15 mins, take into account the multiplier and what that couple of euro tranlates into economy wide now multiply that by the number of people who speed and thus save up to 30 minutes a week (that's pretty conservative). Look at what is produced by people working that saved time add that to the multiplier effect and we get a picture of people getting there sooner and living happier lives. Speeding is not so bad. In terms of road deaths, ultimately does all the people getting there earlier making them minutely happier equal out some tragic losses. This goes beyond the realm of economics but to support an otherwise untenable position I'll claim without proof that it does. The economic impact of RTA's is probably easier to measure - if we look at taxes paid on the extra time worked versus the cost of cleaning up the mess. We can figure it out. If we look at the demographic that speed the most - young people with faster cars (ie. the most productive group in society) and see what their relative production capacities in the time saved is versus the lost production capacities of the victims we could arrive at some idea of profit or loss by speeding. Martin Luther King said "An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law." I like that quote. I'm not advocating speeding, I'm advocating a rational look at the real costs of not speeding. Lets not get left behind in an increasingly competitive Europe. Think with your wallet and not with your heart. Your heart will leave your children jobless.