Age is just a number

A very important number that with the kind of accuracy of normal distribution can predict the spending patterns, life expectancy, political views and all sorts of other things that make us unique. For reasons like this it's as important when you come from as where you come from.

I come from the time of Bosco on afternoon TV sitting beside a fire because oil or gas heating wasn't invented or we were too poor. I hate that obnoxious little red-haired fuck. I hate the fact that the word "uafásach" is burned into my brain. I hate that while I can't consciously remember the theme tune, hearing it brings me back to that cold room and two channels of television.

Most of all I've hated the suggestion that a gift you made yourself was somehow better than one you bought ie the one made by professionals. Bosco is responsible for parents receiving poorly painted shit instead of gifts for decades. Inside that puppet was someone giving us all the middle finger.

I've been militant in this belief for years, until now. For this little arts and crafts session you'll need
1. A belt
2. A plastic bottle
3. A paper towel holder
4. A shitload of duct tape
5. Knife/scissors

Mangle these together and you have the perfect gift for a parent, a partner or even just a stranger who needs a little pick me up



An impromptu strap-on.

Never buy a weapon from someone who isn't crazy

Rational thought, reasonable analysis of your actions, the ability to calmly sift through the bullshit and scaremongering and make decisions based on all this seem like they are desirable in every walk of life. I will however point out that if you are seeking to buy a weapon, you want it made by someone who is batshit insane.

The more they believe that the end is coming the finer an instrument of death and destruction they will make. If they genuinely think that their sword will be needed in equal measure to defend your home from intruders and dragons the surer you can be that the sword will stand up to the mythical sword fighting intruder.

In this vein I give you Lynn C Thompson.

Lynn C Thompson is one such gloriously insane man. He is the founder and president of Cold Steel one of the better knife makers out there. He is passionate about his knives and I salute him but the inescapable truth is that he is mental and as an aside always slightly off balance - observe:


There are a wealth of other even more mentally and physically unbalanced videos on YouTube and I hope you get a chance to browse through them. Far from criticising Mr Thompson, I thank him for his commitment to quality and the fine products I enjoy.

What follows are a series of emails to Cold Steel and the replies I have received. For the record I did not use my email account or my name.

Dear Sir,

I have recently received two of your fine hand and a half polypropolene training swords and several of your throwing knives. I am very impressed with the quality durability of said products. After vigorous training with the polypropolene they are still unmarked and hundreds of throws with the throwing knives they are unharmed. If I could make one complaint, the cold steel RPG thrower has made kindling of my throwing target. Not a bad complaint.

My query regards planned product lines, I am anxious to get a zweihander - and hope that you might consider making a polypropolene training version of this. May I ask what other lines you plan on introducing?

Yours in combat,
Conan

A reply:
Thank you for your suggestion. I have passed this email on to our R&D department.

Our plate is very full for new products coming up, but they do look at all suggestions. If it is an item that will become part of our line, R&D will release that information when it is ready for production.

Again, thanks for your suggestion and your enthusiasm for Cold Steel.


Anthony Russell

Customer Service

And again
Dear ColdSteel,

You may remember that I recently purchased two of your hand and a half training swords. I have enjoyed training with these as much as I beleive possible, bruises and all. The swords have held up remarkably well with any minor scuffs rubbing out easily.

Following this positive experience I have ordered a set of your no doubt fine gladii (all from knifecentre.com - a truly fine stockist of your products). This purchase has raised several questions and suggestions in my mind and I wonder if you might help me with them

1. With a gladius I wonder if you might suggest to your R&D department that they make a polypropylene shield (a scutum) to accompany the gladius. When shield shopping one only comes across display pieces and the type of product suitable only for re-enactments not the serious training that I engage in.

2. As I mentioned before I also purchased several of your throwing knives and an rpg. Though long hours of practice the edges and points have become dulled and I am seeking your advice on blade care and sharpening. When searching on the internet I am met with any number of implements from stones to steels to straps and oils of various viscosity and qualities. I would like to know what ColdSteel recommend for your fine edged products.

Yours in combat,
Conan

Oops
Dear ColdSteel,

Pursuant to my previous email where I asked about the sharpening of your fine edged products I would like to withdraw my question. In my enthusiasm for the pursuit of martial knowledge I overlooked the comprehensive information provided by your FAQ. This has answered all my questions and even some I did not know I had. Once again I am in your debt.

My question about the scutum remains. I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours in Combat,
Conan

Finally we see the real Anthony Russell
Thank you for your inquiry and the follow-up email.

As for Cold Steel producing shields, I can tell you that our R&D department has been looking into several different types of shields for mass production. Where they are in their research is unknown. R&D does not usually release information until a project is ready for production.

I will, however, pass this email along to the R&D department for review.


Anthony Russell

Customer Service

It continues,
Dear Cold Steel,

I yesterday received my gladii. They are excellent. This email is taking longer to type than normal as I think I may have broken my sword arm-hand! I will probably get an x-ray tomorow. I in no way hold you responsible for this.

I have attached a picture in which you can see that I have improvised a scutum. Please feel free to pass this on to the R&D department if you think it may hurry their efforts to produce a working version.


Yours in Combat,
Conan

A beautiful institution

Weddings always fill me with a certain joy and wonder. Also an unparalleled terror. Not the terror of commitment, the interminable nature of it all, I can handle that. I think I could do prison time. Of all things I love routine and predictability the most. Marriage is a lot like prison but the nicest parts of prison, not the random assaults and misuse of drugs unless your knee has bent in front of the wrong person.

What scares me about marriage is the idea that I might have to give my family the opportunity make speeches in a very public forum. A forum which I will have paid no small amount of money to organise and bring literally everybody whose opinion matters to me. I'm talking cold sweat terror at that idea.

The notion that I might also become emotional and possibly shed a tear in front of all these people does nothing for my commitment to the institution of marriage. I can't help but feel that it would come crashing down on me, at my lowest, that I am the architect of these misfortunes. All of this overshadowing what I'm led to believe should be a happy day.

All of this is very different to the short sharp, soon to be over and forgotten nature of a prison assault. This is more like a prison rape. With long lasting mental consequences. The side of prison I most likely wouldn't like, actually definitely wouldn't like. For the record I definitely would not like to get raped in prison but I definitely wouldn't like to let my family make speeches.

By contrast, living in sin seems much easier.

Tandem Felix

Ever hear that old joke? Waiter is called to a hotel room to deliver yet another bottle of champagne. He walks in and surveys the scene. Sprawled on the bed along with several beautiful naked women is George Best. The waiter ponders for a second and asks, "George, where did it all go wrong?". In the extended version of that story I imagine a drunk and enraged George Best struck the waiter violently and returned to the orgy.

That was then and this is now. George Best's career fluttered and died and so did he. Conversely Charlie Sheen achieved early on the dizzying heights that most can only dream of and is now reaping the rewards. He's been in era defining movies and in terms of awards is only shy the Oscar which truth be told he'd probably have to speak in an impeded English accent to get. He's one of the highest paid TV actors around. The dude has done it all.

People condemning his behaviour, his drugs, his parties, his porn stars, etc are all just jealous. Let the man reap his rewards.

Capri Anderson
Bree Olson
Bombshell McGee
Ginger Lynn
Heather Hunter

This is not an exhaustive list of women in the porn industry who have been romantically (traditional notions of romance are here challenged) linked to Charlie Sheen, to say nothing of the many, many hangers on and less famous but equally eager friends. If the Internet is to be believed then some of these women came in pairs or even trios.

There are many things that would heighten my enjoyment of a sexual situation, better technique, improved flexibility, a clearer understanding of what's going on but above all of this would have to rank better looking partners who bring their friends. I'd like that.

As for the drugs, I bet Charlie gets that special coke that's smuggled in boxes and not up some guy's ass. Movie star grade cocaine. He's got an clinic of doctors and a team of problem solvers to pick up the pieces after him. He is the poster boy of people who should be allowed do drugs.

One of the wealthy who could fit in so easily if only he conformed. He's a man with a purpose standing against an oppressive regime, defying convention and sleeping with some ladies along the way. I don't want to say that he's this generation's Oskar Schindler but he's damn close.

He's a flawed hero but a hero I can get behind. A man unafraid to sacrifice himself on the altar of celebrity and to live and publicise the life I can only dream of. God bless you Charlie Sheen.

I'll be there for you in ways you can't imagine

I had my iPod on and was walking the lonely streets. The occasional drunk stumbled by, and I saw them glance sideways as they caught a few bars of a song I was gently singing. More precisely it wasn't singing so much as tonelessly repeating the words as the song went on heedless of my butchery.

As the drunks grew fewer, my nerve stronger and the songs louder. A bawdy shanty or a classic ballad. Between me and the darkness it was just entertainment. That was until the song choice and the nearby events coincided beautifully.



The couple walked down the street, leaning into each other as much for balance as affection. Moving close to light one cigarette off the other. It looked perfect, yet as I started singing along it all changed. The meander stopped. They faced each other. With arms open at waist level. Hips slightly back and heads forward. I couldn't hear what they were saying (earphones in and singing) but it looked like I was singing the right song.

They left as they had arrived, walking, but there was a difference. I don't know that I helped. It does nothing for the tale whether I did or not.

By way of analogy

Somewhere in our childhood years someone managed to convince us that being a grown up was something to aspire to. Much like in Inception, this idea took hold and grew into something that it was never meant to be, something untrue.

Somehow being an adult and having bigger toys wasn't good enough, we had to act responsibly. This became an end in itself, the joy was to come from the feeling of being older and mature and not from being old enough to get away with the stuff that kids find fun.

Think of it in terms of wine and coke. Wine is horrible, some people have forced themselves to drink it. Some more odious people to have and offer opinions on it, but at it's heart it tastes horrible. I'm sure if I had taken the time to check the wikipedia entry on wine it would in the first paragraph mention that it's disgusting.

Coke on the other hand is awesome. It's sweet and it bubbles. Whatever that chemically constructed vegetable extract flavour is it's delicious. Ice cold on a warm day - nothing better. What really brings out the flavour of a white fish meal with a light dressing? Coke! Why? 'cos it's fucking fantastic.

Now as children we knew this, but during the growing up mindfuck some of you started drinking wine. Shame on you. If you wanted to get drunk, just make some special coke with your choice of special ingredient which won't ruin that lovely coke flavour.

The same is true of conversation and sex. Somewhere in there, slipped in with the idea that wine is nice and coke is for children they told us that a healthy relationship relied on conversation and mutual respect at its heart. As a child I knew that getting what I wanted when I wanted was the important thing.

Not talking. Especially not about my feelings. I have no feelings. At least none that I want to talk about. If ever I have an issue I want to verbalise I can tell my dog.